Letting go
Day 11
October 1st — 2018

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I don’t think I’ve ever screamed in public. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed at all in my life. Screaming for a black woman is a radical act. It shows our rage. It shows us at a vulnerable moment. But for some reason, I’ve always felt ashamed to let that out. Will people fit me into a narrative? Is my anger valid? In a world where black women are continuously demonized for showing emotion, I felt it was necessary to scream.

Day 11 Recap

Why did I cry?

I sat on the floor wondering what it would sound like. To scream as loud as I could. Is my voice even strong enough? Will people be startled? Is it even worth it?

After the first scream, I felt that the idea behind this performance was unnecessary. Why the hell am I screaming? I’m fine. People will think I’m crazy. I screamed again. This time I started to shiver as I thought about my previous remarks - my fight to stay silent.

I screamed again. I cried. I felt my body release and everything that was ever upsetting to me became null and void.

I screamed again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I knew people were there. I heard them question “what is she doing”. I no longer cared. This action was about me. It wasn’t about showing anyone what I was there to do. I needed this. We all need these days. To release everything and not care who is watching or listening.

For the past two weeks I have continuously talked about vulnerability and the power to just be. Today I took full action on that. I sobbed in the middle of the floor. The room was silent. As people came and went, I showed everyone that I am hurt. And to be honest, we are all probably hurting one way or another and we don’t know how to deal with it. 

Well let it go. Release that energy. Cry it out. Scream it out.

And once it’s gone, walk away and never look back.

At the end of the performance a man came up to me and asked if I was okay. I said yes and screamed one last time. He walked away and yelled back out to me - “Thank you. We all need to do that.”

With love.

Text by Le’Andra LeSeur
Documentation and Images by the artist and Joshua Solas